Heidecker
by Iris Elena
Summary: Everything is changing between Michael and Nikita, and it's not in a positive way. Will 'Mikita' actually come to an end?
1. Chapter 1

For those of you who read my last story, yes I am writing the sequel, but after I get all these ideas out of my head.

**Heidecker**

"Nikita!" I yelled, and luckily she moved out of the way, and shot Heidecker, killing him. As soon as that monster was dead, we walked over to each other occasionally looking into each-other's eyes, but nothing more. I wasn't ready for anything more. To my relief she was okay, and even though our relationship is on thin ice, I'm happy she's ok.

It feels different. Being worried about her feels different. It used to be a 'If I don't find her in time, she could die', but I guess after all these years, I finally trust her to take care of herself. She is a grown woman. She doesn't need me to protect her anymore. I think she has a million lives, and she will always be okay.

Nikita's POV:

"I don't feel it anymore." I accidently let my mind wonder and the words just slipped out of my mouth. How it had ever come to this, I have no idea.

"What are you talking about?" She sat up, and looked deeply at my face, as wetness flooded down, down, like a river. "Nikita what's wrong?"

"He's changed so much Alex." I said, as more wetness flowed down my face, as if I were just taking a shower. She enclosed me in a friendly hug, but it only made me miss him more.

He has always focused on one thing and one thing only, but I had always been that one thing, and now all he cares about is how to fix this problem. He acts as if it's a sickness, and to some extent it is, but only for him. I don't care that he is minus one hand. What I do care about is that I am the one who caused him the loss of that hand. His screams haunt my dreams. His face blinds me in the darkness. My whole life has become darkness. Even 'our' apartment feels different. As if it knows what it's missing. The sound of children playing around in the halls has been replaced by a violinist playing sad songs. The smell of flowers has been replaced with the smell of burning ashes. What is burning? My happiness. My hopes and dreams. My love is dying faster than a fire can burn up paper, and I don't know how to slow it down. The place that I call home feels as warm as Division. The hum that used to only be in Division has consumed my 'home'. Home is a word that had been unfamiliar until we bought this apartment, but now, I smell his cologne, his last meals' plate still rest' on the table. His favorite dinner sits in the refrigerator, rotting like bread. 'I wish you'd come home' I told him. He told me 'soon' but from the way things are going, I wonder how soon he will return. Will he ever return?

"Are we talking about Michael?" She reluctantly asked.

"Yes." I replied as I began to wipe away my tears.

"What happened?"

"He's going to a dark place… I just don't know how to stop him from spiraling out of control."

"What do you mean?"

"He wants to go after Heidecker's associates. 'Take what we need, and go'." I recited his words from earlier.

"But, those people are-"

"Dangerous? I know. He won't stop you know. He won't stop until he gets what he wants. He's morphing into something less tactical, and more careless. I have a bad feeling that this is only the beginning."

* * *

I don't know how many chapters I will write, but it will hopefully be intense.

-Iris


	2. Intel

If you guys know me, you know when I start a story I get anxious to update quickly. I don't know how many chapters I will have, but I will try to update at an even pace.

**Intel**

"Birkhoff, where are we at in the search?" Birkhoff had been searching through the files we had intercepted from Heidecker.

"I've got an address of a person associated with a man named Richard Jenson."

"Who's Rich-" Birkhoff cut me off, showing me a picture of Jenson on his pad.

"He's one of the scientists that gave Kosta his first check-up... You know, making sure his whole body wasn't abnormal. He makes sure your body won't work against the monthly injection you'll have to get."

"Ok. Where's the address?"

"Mikey are you sure about this? I mean these people, they're bad people. What if they do the same thing Heidecker did: using helpless children for their own use?"

"Birkhoff! This is my last chance at getting my hand back, so where is the address, please!" I probably raised my voice a bit too high, but I'm sick and tired of everyone giving me their input about everything? I don't care what anyone thinks, all I know is I need to get my hand back, and with the help of Nikita, that will happen.

"Fine... Sending it to your phone right now."

"Thank you." I said in an unneeded, sarcastic tone, as I speedily walked away to retrieve Nikita.

**Nikita's POV:**

I watched, as Michael got snappy with Birkhoff, and I was every bit as confused as I'm assuming the nerd was. I walked into the room to give the nerd a deserved apology for Michael's attitude.

As I was walking in, he looked really tired.

"Nerd, I heard everything, and I just wanna apologize for... him. He's been a little short tempered lately."

"Yeah, I got it." He replied, sounding just like Michael.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah Nikki, I just love being everyone's little punching bag!"

"I-I didn't know…" He placed his hands over his eyes, and sigh, tiredly.

"Nik, I'm sorry. I just am a little tired. I've been up for about 22 hours-"

"22 hours?" I caught him off.

"Yes. I just need a little rest." I reached out and hugged the Nerd, who had done so much for Michael and me.

"You work too hard..." I murmured into his shoulder. He nodded, slow, indicating just how tired he was. "I'll take you home." I said, pulling away from his embrace, and grabbing his hand.

"No, it's fine. I can drive." He stood in place, not making a single move. I tugged at his hand, more forcefully, and he finally gave in.

"It's decided. I'm driving you home, and you will rest your eyes on the way." He nodded, trying to hide his satisfaction of finally being able to go home and rest.

On the way, we passed multiple couples holding hands, and kissing. For the first time since me and Michael have been together, I felt envious towards them. _Me and Michael used to be that affectionate, _I thought. A loud 'honk' of a car horn snapped me out of my retrospect, as the light turned green.

When we got to Birkhoff's house, I had to tap on his face five times before he finally woke up.

"Hmm? Marksmanship…. Shadow walker..." I had to stop myself from laughing at his subconscious speaking for him. "What, what?" I smirked at him, and pointed to the building at his left.

"We're here."

"Oh... Okay… Thanks for the ride Nik."

"No problem at all, Nerd." I said, as Birkhoff was about to get out of the car. "And don't even _think_ about coming in early… I'll tell Ryan you'll be taking the day off."

He smiled back at my kindness, and said, "Thanks." And made his way up to his apartment.

On my way back to Division, my phone vibrated, and lit up, revealing Michael's name.

I picked up the phone, and answered, "Hello."

"Hey, uh where are you?"

"Heading to Division. Do you need something?" I asked in my kindest tone, trying to hide the fact that his calls were so infrequent that I already knew there was a catch.

"Yeah, uh Birkhoff got us some new Intel on Heidecker's scientists. Can you meet me in your room in half an hour?"

"Yes." Before I could even murmur a 'Goodbye' he hung up. I sighed, in aggravation, thinking how we never treated each other like this. Hell, every conversation we had practically ended with an 'I love you' now we barely say goodbye? How did we get here? I wondered as I made my way back to Division.

I sat in my old recruit room, waiting for Michael. I smiled a sad smile to myself thinking, 'I've been waiting for Michael a lot lately.' Before my mind could become greater saddened by the outcome of my prior decision, a new presence entered the room.

"Nikita… You're early." He said, holding his hand. This was becoming a new habit for him, but sad thing is he only did it when I was near.

"Yeah. There's nothing to do around here, so why not be early rather than late."

"Right… Okay so Birkhoff got me some new information on how we are going to find one of Heidecker's scientists." I was almost too saddened by his unromantic attitude towards me, but I tried my best _not _to show it.

"Did you get any specific locations?" I asked after my mind recapped what he had just said.

"Yes. I asked Ryan, and he said we could be there in less than 24 hours but we can only bring a two man team." Apparently we disagreed on who to take on this mission.

"Michael, we can't take anyone on this mission."

"And why not?" I could almost feel the ground beginning to shake from under me, at the sound of Michael's arising anger, and sarcasm.

"When me and Birkhoff first set off to get Heidecker, we agreed to not bring anyone on this mission. This one is personal. We can't make anyone come with us on a mission that they aren't involved with. I promised everyone out there that this was clean up duty, and I intend on keeping my word." Michael's face turned a burning red, as I was guessing he was agreeing with me, but yet again, I was wrong.

"You promised them _you_ wouldn't make them. I didn't promise them anything."

"Michael-"

"Nikita, if you're not comfortable with this, then just stay, but either way, I'm going after Jenson, and I am getting my hand back." I began weighing my options, but I just couldn't find the heart to let Michael go in alone. If he got hurt, I would never forgive myself.

"Fine, but we take only 1 person."

"And who will that be?" He asked, for some reason sarcastically.

"Alex."

* * *

Goodie, Goodie. This is Just the beginning of the heat.. Can you guys withstand the heat? Just kidding. Hope you liked it. As always, Review me your thoughts.

SPOILER ALERT!

Next chapter will be even more fights, and Alex playing the 'Monkey in the middle' between Michael and Nikita.


	3. Get it Started

Hey Guys! So sorry for the wait, but I will try to make this chapter worth your while! :)

**Get it Started**

"Alex you need to pay attention!" Michael had been going through the plan for about 2 hours now, and every time he explains it, he changes his mind, confusing me and Alex.

"Michael, calm down." Maybe my choice of words wasn't the best in this situation… Michael turned on his heal, directing his dense attention towards me.

"How can I calm down when the fate of my hand is in the hands of you id…. Never mind." Me and Alex immediately turned our attention to the man who had just tried to cover up the fact that he called us idiots.

"No, no… Continue. What were you gonna call us? Idiots?" Alex said, and turned on her heel to walk out of the room… I turned towards an irritated looking Michael.

"Michael… You can't talk to her like that. She's doing u a favor by going on this mission."

"It's not exactly a favor if it isn't fulfilled correctly."

"Michael-"

"JUST STOP! I don't want any more lectures about this. I just want it done quick, and easy." I softened my exterior and my voice, so this simple conversation wouldn't turn into a fight.

"I thought you told me no mission is easy."

"Well I've changed since then, haven't I." He quickly strode out of the room, leaving me with an unnerving civil war going on inside of my body. One side says 'Nikita, you can do this, just stick it out. When this mission is over, you will have your Michael back, and he can finally come home.' Another side of my head is saying, 'Is it worth it to sell your soul, and hurt every other person you care about? First Birkhoff, now Alex. He's hurting everybody, and he needs to stop it.' Which side wins? At the end of this war, the winning side will definitely be revealed. 'It's all gonna be okay' I tell myself. Maybe if this incantation continues to play in my head, it will be true… Maybe.

"ALEX!"

"Yes?" I was watching Alex beat the crap out of a punching bag.

"Are you okay?" She abruptly turned around, and brushed the sweat-slicken hair out of her face.

"Look, Nikita. I know Michael really wants his hand back, and I know you will do anything to help him, but treating me like crap isn't what I signed up for."

"You don't know what he's going through. He has a lot on his plate right now." Or some reason she got very mad at my answer.

"Nikita, look at how you're defending him. He's acting like an asshole, and your acting like a love drugged delusional person."

"Do NOT call him that. He's fine…. We're fine. The only problem here is your emotions." I don't know why her calling him that bothered me so much, but it really just made me want to go off.

"How can you not see what he's become, and what _you've _become? You're both blinded-"

"I don't want to talk about this anymore!"

"No, Nikita. How can you not see how crazy you're both acting? How is this justified?" I couldn't help but burst out the reason why I kept taking Michael's side no matter what.

"Because it's my fault this happened to him!" We both took a second to let what I had just said soak in. Alex's anger rushed away, as sadness took over her face. She reached her hand out as she whispered my name, but I just swat it away.

"Nikita… I didn't know you were blamin-."

"Of course I am. It's my fault his hand is gone... It could have gone so differently if I'd just let him die, but I would be crushed. He's my everything..." My face changed angrier in a matter of milliseconds. "And I will do anything to help him, so I need you to keep your feelings in. Just until the mission is over, and when I get Michael back, you can be as emotional as you want." I turned away, and walked out of the training room.

"Nikita."

"Yes."

"We're gonna be up and going in 60, so go get your stuff."

"Alright." I said, and headed to 'our' apartment to grab my gear.

"Is Birkhoff back yet?" I asked as we were taking our private jet to some suburban place in France.

"I'm here Nikki." I let out a sigh of relief hearing his voice so much more cheerful.

"Hey Nerd. You okay."

"Yeah, I'm good." Michael gave me his most disgusted look, and spoke into his earpiece.

"When you guys are ready, we have some actual work to do." When Michael clicked off his ear bud, both Birkhoff, and Alex mumbled 'asshole'.

I smiled sadly, and began our work. While we were headed that way to manipulate a scientist, Birkhoff ran surveillance from Division.

"Okay, Alex and I will be knocking out the guards. Me on the west end, and you" he pointed to Alex, who was trying to hide her attitude. "Will be on the east. We'll have to wait for them to come to the east, and the west, but when you see them, shoot to kill."

**Alex's POV:**

We _are _all assassins here, but the fact that Michael said to 'shoot to kill' makes me itch. I can see the look on Nikita's face... She's against it, but she keeps silent so she doesn't get on Michael's bad side. I feel like so powerless. Sitting, watching, waiting for those semi-innocent lives to be taken away, and I'm not saying a thing about it. I just stare at Nikita. I can tell she knows I'm looking at her, but she just keeps her head down as Michael continues to give instructions. I see her eyes tear up, but she quickly pulls them back, and throws on her all too familiar mask to show the world. I stay quiet too, and follow in her footsteps. Staying quiet, and going with the flow, but how can you watch innocent lives be taken away at your hands?

**Nikita's POV:**

Michael said 'shoot to kill' and immediately after, I felt Alex's gaze fixated on me. This brought me back to a time when I was teaching Alex the value of life.

**Flashback:**

"If I were your enemy, and you were about to be discovered, what would you do?" It was 3 months, until we were going to infiltrate Division, and I was teaching Alex the meaning of life without her knowing it.

"I would get my gun, with the silencer, and kill him." I let my disappointment show, so she would know that was not the right answer.

"What?"

"Why do you have to kill your enemy?"

"Well unless an enemy means something else, I think I'd kill my enemy." She attempted to joke, but this lesson was one only understood by the wisest of people.

"Alex... when you take a life… you-you lose a part of yourself that you can never get back. It's like a huge piece of your humanity, and innocence is taken away. You see their face, and you feel like you don't deserve to live on. It will eat you out, and it will be painful. The value of life is very important, and always, I mean always try to preserve it... Now try again… If I were your enemy, and you were about to be discovered, what would you do?"

**Present:**

I think my fear is what stopped me from saying anything, but thinking about all the lives we would most likely take tonight made me tear up. I can't believe how bad things have gotten. The air was tense, because me and Alex were fighting, and Michael hasn't looked at me in what feels like ages. The thought of Michael brought me back to my main goal. 'Get the scientist, and start the process of limb renewal.' I sucked up my feelings, and began to reassess my mind. 'It has to work… It just has too.'

When we got there, I was preparing to go in, and make first contact with Jenson. I read his bio, and it said Jenson had a deceased wife, but the kids remain with him. Seems sad but some monsters still have families.

"Okay, Nikita are you ready?"

"Readier than I'll ever be."

"Ok. If anything goes wrong, try to contact one of us, or just strive for it… Do this for me… Do this for my leg. Do this for us." When he said 'us', I couldn't help but notice his small grimace. As if I was the worst person to spend his life with. I have to say, it hurt worse than 15 bullet wounds, but I calmed myself down by reciting 'he didn't mean it. He didn't mean it.'

"Okay. Remember Alex you have the east, okay?"

"Yeah, okay." Me and Michael gave her a look indicating we heard the dripping sarcasm.

As the jet got closer to the outside of the scientist lab, my adrenaline started to approach and that bad feeling started to rise. Michael and Alex were sitting on both sides of me. Even though I wasn't really on the best of terms with them, I needed to feel something securing. Something to make me feel at home. I took both of their hands in mine, and began to plead that we would be okay. I barely even pled for me just them. You see the thing about loved ones is, sometimes you love them more than yourself. You care for them more than yourself. So in that peaceful moment, I decided I didn't care what happened to me as long as they were okay. If only someone had warned me how powerful words can be.

* * *

So in case you guys did not understand, Nikita is pretty much acting on her fear of losing Michael, so she stays quiet. She knew something bad was gonna happen, and she was right. A storm is coming. Be warned.

-Iris Elena


	4. 3, 2, 1, Go!

**3, 2, 1, Go!**

"3, 2, 1, Go, go, go!" Michael yelled, and with my adrenaline running wild, I rushed to my position, waiting to get the okay to move in.

I ran as fast as I could between trees some type of flower, and the greenest grass on the Earth. This is surprisingly my first time coming to New Zealand (being a spy and all means you travel the world regularly) and its untouched land warms my heart more than I thought it would. In Jersey, the smell of fresh flowers and walking on green grass isn't extremely common, so it's a nice change.

As I continue to make my way to my position, I spot a swing, and pray to God his children are not home. If they are, Birkhoff will find Michael's bitching a breath of fresh air compared to what I'm gonna do.

I speak into my com letting everyone know that there may be kids in the target's house. "Just spotted a swing... May be possible children on sight. Can you hack into the cameras inside of their house, Birkhoff?"

"Already done… Hold your positions everyone..." We all got dead silent. Even the water behind the house stopped moving, as if it knew we were trying to be silent.

"Okay, the kids appear to be sleeping, so you should be able to get in if you go in quiet, and threaten the man."

"No Birkhoff! We need to abort. It's the middle of the day, so they're probably taking a nap. We have no idea what could be going on, and we never, EVER threaten the lives of a man's kids. Isn't that right Michael?"

"Nikita…" Oh hell no! I know he's not actually trying to go forward with this! That son of a bitch!

"Michael, you know first-hand how it feels to lose a child, and you would willingly put the lives of someone else's in jeopardy for your limb?"

"Nikita, I would never touch a child. I just want to get what I need. Alex can watch the kids while Jenson looks over my hand. We'll be in and out before the kid's even notice."

"It's too dangerous. What would we do when the kids wake up, or he uses his children as a body shield?"

"Look, we came here to get what we need, and we need to finish the job, so are you in or not." Honestly I didn't know what to say or do. I just wanted this to all be over with.

"Fine, but as soon as the kids wake up, we're out of there, okay?"

"Fine." He said, and we all proceeded to our designated locations.

"Are we clear guys?" I asked, before I was supposed to make first contact with Jenson.

"He's in position. Go now."

"Okay." Okay Nikita, countdown… 3, 2, 1, go!

I ran through the door, and made my way speedily, but quietly past the kids' rooms and went down the stairs near the lab.

I walked through the door, making sure to close and lock it before spotting Jenson in the middle of the room.

I lifted my gun up, centered straight for his head, and cocked it so he would hear the small thud.

"Put your hands where I can see them!" I yelled. Jenson was stunned at first, but when he turned to look at who I was, he was just smiling.

"What took you so long Nikita?" I never told him my name… How would he know me?

"How do you know my name?"

"One word… Amanda." Oh God, not that bitch again.

"You're working with Amanda?"

"No. I declined. She's too soft for our kind of business. She wouldn't last." These guys must be really hardcore if even Amanda can't get in.

"Then how do you know me?"

"I'm a mad scientist. I have devices that would blow your mind. One of our latest inventions is the glass cameras. Heidecker had a camera on his lenses without him even knowing it. Once I saw you're face I did some research and learned everything I could about you."

"Well sorry to displease you but I know nothing about you, except the fact that you're gonna help me."

"I don't think so."

"And why not."

"Because I have more leverage then you do." I let out a cocky chuckle, and smiled at the scientist.

"And what's you're leverage Jenson?"

"This..." He said, and before I could react one of his kids shot me right through my stomach. I let out a loud scream, not even trying to be silent. I looked up with my tear stricken eyes, and saw his 'child' laughing. Jenson bent over me, and started laughing as well.

"You know how easy it is to make a 23 year old midget appear to be a young, normal child." What a narcissistic prick! If I wasn't shot, all hell would break loose.

"Well anyways, I would love to talk but-"

"NIKITA!" I tried to look over but this pain in my stomach was unreal. I suddenly heard 2 gunshots, and Alex mutter "I killed the other one when she pulled a knife on me."

I tried my very best to stay focused, but it just turned out to be a huge fail, as the pain got worse, and my blood puddle got bigger.

"Nikita, sweetie we're gonna get you out of here safe and sound, okay?"

I couldn't reply as my eyes got heavier, and the world got brighter… It was like a dentist put me on that stuff that makes you drowsy, and the light was shining right in my face. The last thing I heard before crossing over to the happier side, I heard Alex mutter, "Please don't go."

"Get her into medic NOW!"...

"She's losing too much blood."...

"Michael, where are you going?"

"Tell her I'll be back… I just can't have her hurt because of me."

"Michael, you can't go alone."

"Yes I can. I need to do this. If it kills me, that's okay but if it kills her, I would never forgive myself."

"When will you be back? Will you be back?"

"I don't know." NOO! I yelled in my mind! Me hearing him say he was leaving and maybe never coming back drove me beyond crazy! How could he do this to me? Why would he do this to me? I love him so much! Does he love me. Was our relationship a lie? I soon could not control my thoughts, and even my sybconcious went dark, and I faded away into what felt like shaky ground. No pun intended.

_Shaking, shaking, shaking, blankness._

**Alex's POV:**

"I don't know." He said. As soon as he said that, I saw Nikita flinch in the corner of my eye, and she started seizing.

"Michael." I muttered before my adrenaline kicked in and everything started moving in fast motion.

He ran over to her, as I yelled for a doctor.

I've never seen anyone seize like this. She was actually saying 'no, no, no' as she was seizing. It was BEYOND bizarre.

"Nikita, calm down." He was holding her in his arms, trying to stop her from shaking, and he put a sponge in her mouth so she wouldn't bite her tongue off.

As soon as Nikita started to realize who's arms she was in, the seizing became less severe, and the doctors finally made there appearances.

"Let go of her Michael. We need to get her on the table."

"No, I need to be with her."

"Michael, LET HER GO!" I yelled, and he finally listened, but would not leave her room. No matter how many agents were trying to make him leave the room, he would not budge, so I stayed in the room as well monitoring my best friend's crazy boyfriend.

"Her heart rate's plummeting!" One of the doctors yelled. I held Michael back, and as I did, I tried to mask my grave fear of her being gone forever. Too late. A tear was already rushing down my face.

They took out their cardiac defibrillator and one doctor started counting down seconds.

"3, 2, 1, go!" Then they shocked the crap out of her. I felt Michael tense up, so my hold on him tightened.

"Still nothing!"

"50 volts…. 3, 2, 1, go!" Then they shocked her again!

"Last one… Better work..." Michael had finally broke down to the ground and yelled, "NOO! Please God don't take her!"

"3… 2…. 1… go!" They shocked her again, making her body look like a doll. Her heart monitor was quiet, and then everybody went still, as the heart monitor revealed her fate.

_BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP_

* * *

Come on, you know I love a good cliffhanger! LOL... Review me your thoughts, suggestions, anything. Even a 'hi' would make me laugh :)


	5. Too Late

Hey you guys :) I just wanna thanks everyone who reviewed! It mean a lot to me; This one goes out to my very near and dear friend, Ilse, and my parents for grounding me, so I have more time to write -_- ..Enjoy!

**Too Late**

**Michael's POV:**

_Beeeeeeeeeeep_

"No." I said.

My heart felt like a bomb on its last seconds until now. Now it just exploded destroying everything. Every future plan I had was just destroyed, every speck of love I had for anyone was destroyed, and I just can't imagine living on now.

"NOOOO! NO, NO, NO! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING! NOT AGAIN!" I ran up to Nikita, pushing every doctor away, and started shaking her body hysterically. I leaned my head down to try to hear her heartbeat, but she was unresponsive!

Tears began to build up in my eyes, but letting them fall would be accepting her death, so I held them in as hard as I could.

"Come on baby, please! Come back to me." Acceptance was settling onto me, but I couldn't just let my fiancée die without a fight. I started just slamming my fist into her chest, hoping it would jump start her heart, but it was no use. She was gone, and I could not accept that. I turned to one of the doctors, as my tears couldn't be held and flowed over my eyelids.

"She can't be gone…" then I turned back to her, "This can't be happening again. You see, I've lost too DAMN much in my life for this to happen." In that moment, I looked at my beautiful Angel's face and waled harder than I thought was humanly possible.

I crashed to the ground, holding her hand, and waling, making a puddle on the floor.

Alex came to Nikita's other side, and began talking to her, as her tears clawed its way up to her eyes.

"I took a bullet for you," She continued crying, and mumbling, "so you could live and you just give up?" She slammed her fist into Nikita's chest, and continued talking. "You can't just leave me here, sensei. I need you. I need you to help me through life, and be the constant motherly figure in my life. You promised…" She took a deep breathe trying to control her tears, that were causing her to gag. "You promised you would never leave me. We promised each other." She stroked her cheek, with her blood stricken finger, and continued.

"Please come back… Please!" She wailed so loud, all of Division heard her, which led to Ryan, Birkhoff, Sean, Owen, and Sonya rushing in.

When they saw the scene, everybody froze.

I was so deep into my grief, and what other people call denial, I stopped caring what they did. My tears wouldn't stop either. Trying to make me stop crying was like telling the sun to stop shining. My sun has stopped shining. Now the only weather I can relate to is the rain. Lightning. Hail. Darkness. Everything is dark. Everything hurts. Everything.

It became too much and before I knew it, my whole world did just become dark.

Before I passed out, I felt something that if hallucinated, was still real. I felt Nikita's hand twitch.

"Michael..." I looked around, not understanding where I was, but that voice was in fact the voice of an angel.

"Michael..." She said again and finally it was revealed to me. Standing right before me was the women I had just lost a few seconds ago.

"Nikita..." I whispered, and the tears formed again. Before I knew it, she was in my arms, and she was crying too.

"Nikita, please tell me you're not gone, baby please. I can't go on without you. I need you. Please tell me this is all a dream." I said, more into her hair than to her.

"I'm sorry."

"No, please. All you have to do is come back just please don't leave me." I tightened my grip on her, knowing that when I let go, it'll all be over and I will never see her again.

"I love you."

"I love you more." I said, and then she began to pull away. "No, stop. I won't let you go." I said, and my tears became furious, because it was all my fault that she was leaving.

"You'll never have to. Not anymore. It's time to face reality, and start thinking about the future. Your future." I pulled away to look at her face.

"What future is there without you?" She smiled sadly.

"A good future." She said, and in the blink of an eye, she was gone, and I had woken up, with a gasp.  
I looked around, not knowing where I was, but then when I remembered what had transpired earlier, the pain hit me harder than anything could ever hit me. It hurt. It hurt so badly, I couldn't even think. All I kept seeing is her face and our good times together.

She'd always call me a tease, making us both smile.

I'd always say something meaningful to make her feel better.

We would both go to sleep wrapped in each other's arms.

Every night he feet would be freezing, and I'd ask her why she refused to wear socks, and she'd just say, "Falling on my ass isn't on my bucket list."

Some nights we'd just talk about our hopes and dreams, and every single one of them involved us.

How could I ever go on without her?

How could I live knowing she was never coming back?

I don't live for me, I live for her.

I can't bear it.

I'm having a beating headache, and I want it all to stop.

I want all the pain to go away.

I want her to be in my arms again.

I want to feel loved again.

All I want is her, and if that isn't possible, how could I live on?

The answer to this question is: I simply can't.

I sat up, abruptly, and looked across the hall, tears already forming into my eyes.

They put me in a room across from Nikita, but the thing was, her heart monitor was beeping on a steady pace. I just thought 'well that can't be possible because she's…. dead' But a blurry memory flashed before my eyes, showing me that before I passed out, her hand twitched in mine.

I couldn't run fast enough to her room. I threw the covers off my body and sprinted to her room, almost falling over my own feet.

When I walked in, I saw Alex holding her hand, and looking up at me. I didn't even offer her a glance, as I was staring at my very much alive Nikita.

"How?" I said, as I was trying to hold back my tears.

"The heart monitor was broken after you started trying to revive her. Her heart was in fact beating, but since you broke it we didn't even know that she started breathing. She woke up soon after you passed out. She told me to tell you that she loves you too." She started smiling, and I walked over to Nikita's side and brushed a piece of her dark brown hair out of her face.

"They stitched her up after, and she's been in this bed for about 2 hours now. I wouldn't expect her to wake up anytime soon." I nodded letting her know I was listening, then continued staring at Nikita.

For a brief moment I took my eyes off of Nikita, and saw that her engagement ring was on one of the doctors' trays. I looked over at Alex, and she already knew what I was about to ask so she left quickly giving me a moment alone with Nikita.

I was putting Nikita's ring on her finger, when she stirred, and began waking up slowly. I stopped what I was doing, and looked at my slowly recovering girl.

She blinked several times, and began to focus on her surroundings. It took her a full minute to acknowledge my presence.

"Hey." I said and allowed the relieved smile to pass by my lips, immediately following my sympathetic face.

"Hi… What happened?"

"You were shot, and then you had a seizer. We lost you for a while there."

"Oh." Well that was strange... That's all she could say after she almost died?

**Nikita's POV: **

After dying, and coming back, I had time to think. I know I love Michael, but I don't think 'us' can work. He risked everything today to get his hand. Everything. What if I had died? What if Alex died? No, forget about us, what if he died. I can't stand by and watch him self-destruct just to get his hand back. I just can't do it anymore. I've sat in solace just going by everything he says. I didn't talk back; I didn't even give him much of my input. I just went with the flow and look where it got me? I had died, and it was all because of my need to help him. Well it's just got to end because I don't think I can just stand by and watch him throw his life away.

"Nikita, we have a lot to talk about."

"Look Michael, I don't think I can do this anymore."

"What do you mean?"

"Us. You. You are willing to risk everything so that you can get your hand back."

"I'm not risking everything. I just think if we try hard enough-"

"Michael I died today!" He gasped, trying not to think of the events that led me to this bed. "I died today and if that's not enough reason for you to realize how much you could lose-"

"Nikita don't do this."

"I'm not doing anything… I just... Michael if I told you to stop looking for a solution for your hand, would you?"

"Nikita..."

"Answer the question!"

"No. No I wouldn't because I need to get my hand back. If I could get a better version of this," he held up his robotic hand, "then I have to keep looking for it... Why can't you just try to reason with me?"

"Because Michael… Remember when I told you 'you focus all your energy on one point?' Well you are doing it again. You didn't even try to protect me." I was starting to tear up, so I inhaled slowly trying to control my emotions.

"Yes I did. I've just come to terms with the fact that you_ are_ a big girl and you _can_ protect yourself." I let out a sad chuckle, and turned my gaze around the room. 'Does he even know what he just said' I wondered?

"That's just it Michael. The old you would protect me no matter what. The old you would not even think about putting my life in danger. The old you cared and I'm beginning to realize that you've changed."

"Everybody changes."

"Not like this. We all change. We do, but if the change is making us drift apart, it will never work." I looked down again, letting a tear escape for my lashes, and drop onto my stomach. I hissed in pain, but still Michael showed no concern for my pain.

"See. Even just then, the old Michael would have asked if I was okay. You show no concern for me."

"That's because it wasn't a major injury, baby." He tried to wipe the tear mark off of my cheek. But I swatted his hand away, and looked at the ring that was halfway up my finger.

That ring represented a promise for a life together. To love each other unconditionally. How could it just bring pain to me now? How did we even get here?

I pulled the ring off of my finger, and placed it into his hand. I let my hand linger on his a bit longer and I realize I shouldn't have but I know we were splitting up until he gets himself together, so I sucked up my tears, and closed my eyes, not even attempting to look at Michael.

"Don't do this. We can fix this, we can fix everything."

"No… This is one thing we can't do together."

"Nikita..."

"Goodbye Michael." When I met his eyes, he looked beyond devastated. He looked up at me, and left without another word.

'Is it too late to save this relationship?' God I hope not.

* * *

Soooo... What did you think? Leave me your reviews, and iiDaiquirii thanks for the hi... It made me smile... **REVIEW!**


	6. Broken

Hilo my beautiful readers. How have I been? Why thank you for asking. I've been busy as hell, but now that I've given up on trying to draw anything remotely intellectual, showing my patriotism, I'm gonna write a new chapter… Enjoy :)

**Broken**

"Michael, we have to at least be civil." Michael and I had just had a fight in front of all of Division, and all because he didn't want me and Owen going on a mission together.

"I don't want to be anything!"

"What are you saying?" Was he really saying he wanted me out of his life? I had to take a long breath to stop the tears from coming.

"I can't see you and not be with you." He walked closer to me, and encircled me in his arms. I had to look down, to hide the fact that I was in complete and utter adoration.

"Michael... Stop."

"I love you. I never stopped loving you. Ever." He said, as he leveled his face to mine, trying to catch my lips.

"No, no, no." I pushed his arms away, and put distance between us. I started to tear up. "God! What is wrong with you! You are so all over the place! You know, I waited… I waited every night for you to come home. You always said 'you needed time', and I knew that and I respected you!"

"I'm… I'm sorry." He said, not even looking a bit sorry for his actions... Well that pissed me off beyond measure.

"No you're not! God, who are you! You have turned into this douche baggy, ungentlemanly asshole! God, I love you so much, and all I get for it is hurt, and pain! I tried everything to help you, but you put a wall between us, that hasn't shed a pebble." He looked at me confused so I explained my choice of words.

"I mean you're not even trying to win me back, Damnit!"

"Yes I am! I'm doing it right now."

"NO you are not! You're trying to get me back, which requires little work at all!" I took a breather, and let the tears fall, because if he was gonna act like this, I'll show him the outcome. "I can't believe how far you've come… Who are you?" I said. Before he could even attempt to mutter up an excuse, I strutted out the door, and headed home, for a very long time.

I didn't return to Division that day. Or the next day, or the day after that so on and so forth.

The silence… The silence is so loud, bringing on a never ending rush of cool air.

Am I in my apartment?

Does it even matter?

I feel so broken. Not the type of broken where there are several solutions to fix one unanimous problem. You could say I have many problems, but the fact is, it's branched out from one big broken heart. My tongue ties itself in millions of knots trying not to speak the name of my dark angel. Dare I say his name? If I allow it to be slipped from my lips, it shall only cause more pain; leading me back to where I was before. Broken.

I try to walk my cold wooden floors, only to realize I have no socks on. As a matter of fact, my feet aren't even moving. Glancing up, I've come to realize I never took a single step. I stayed in my spot, stationed by the window like a watch dog. It's raining. As the sun became my enemy, the rain became my happiness. My joyous depression. My only friend, who I've become accustomed to, during this 3 month break-up.

I remained stationary until I spotted a picture of me and Michael, the night he proposed. He had some random man hired to take the photo from a distance. We looked so happy, which made me even angrier! _Why _would he throw us away? Was it so easy for him to move on? _Why _oh _why _was it so easy for him to give up on us...? Again! I hadn't realized I was holding the photo, being in my own little world, and all. I felt so much anger. All bottled up inside my body. I was trying so hard to be strong but it was hurting me so much! I don't think London was even this bad. Knowing the man you love is falling out of love with you can do that, I guess.

I could not take it anymore! I took the picture and threw it on the ground as hard as I could, and started crying. I looked over at our room, and saw another 5 pictures, and grabbed them faster than you can say 'the' and threw them against the wall. One at a time.

As I threw the first one, second one, and the third; the fourth and the fifth, I paused to yell in between each one.

"HOW!"

"COULD!"

"HE!"

"DO!"

"THIS!"

The voices circulating through my head make me want to scream. All the doubts come rushing at me. _He never loved you, _they say. _He never cared. _Oh, but being oblivious to my own humanity, I just listened. Didn't even bother trying to rationalize his actions. Didn't even try to understand why he did what he did. Just went along with it. And was it so bad if I do? Is it so bad if I become the 'Nikita' everybody expected? Cold, distant, unloving? Was it so wrong to give into this all too tempting life style? In the blink of an eye… It was gone.

That feeling that people call a 'conscience?'

It was gone.

Along with my unnerving need to save every 'innocent' life I came across.

I was innocent once.

Then it was all turned against me.

What do I have left?

I like to call her, "Deadly Nikki."

_She's _ gruesome.

_She's _ferocious.

_She _will never get hurt.

_Never _again.

"Nikita?" A voice sounded, but Nikita is not here anymore. She's gone and never coming back.

I'm so sorry it took so long. Can't tell you how many times I restarted this chapter! I will try to not make them this short, but I liked how it ended, so I will update quicker since it was short. **REVIEW!**

**-**_Iris Elena :)_


	7. Coming Out to Play

So, I have three special dedications going out. One, to Poison Ivy: those ideas are phenomenal, and I might use one or two. Just wish you could have PMed me so no one would know what I was planning on doing.

To fenix-women: God that is the nicest review I've ever gotten! I really do appreciate it! It made me smile for miles! :))))))))

To Nikitalover: LOL thank you for the scolding. I needed it to remember that even though I was busy, never too busy to write. And thanks for being my first review (hopefully).

Now, read, and review.

**Coming Out to Play**

It feels fantastic! All of this energy. All of this carelessness. It just makes me feel so alive! I am currently surfing at the Jersey Shore, and I'm having a blast!

I've been at it for about 2 hours now, so I think I just wanna tan, so I walk over to a lounge chair, with my bag, and just relax. Something I never used to do. I suddenly hear my phone ring, but pay it no attention. I'm having a relaxing day, and only Division has my number, so I refuse to answer and probably get a lecture about 'not telling anyone where I went.' Honestly, that's nobody else's business. If I wanna give the Division the finger for a day, I damn well will. I'm doing what I want and no one's gonna stop me.

My phone began to ring again, and again I ignored it. Then the sunlight that was beaming on me suddenly went away, causing me to open my eyes, and interrupt my relaxation. When I saw who was standing above me, I was completely caught off guard.

"Michael. What a surprise."

"Why aren't you answering your phone?" I faked a sad face, and just went back to relaxing.

"Nikita-"

"Shut the fuck up… You're ruining my relaxing and why do you think I'm here… Hmmm? To get away from you, so if you don't mind, I'd like to get back to just that." I didn't pay him anymore attention, but I was guessing he probably looked awestruck.

"What's wrong-"

"When I said you could leave, I meant now, small penis." He didn't even look back at me, he just left. While he was walking, I did a happy dance in my head. 'I guess being a bitch does work', I thought. I continued to relax and spent the rest of the day here, not knowing, nor caring what was going on in Division.

That had been 3 days ago, and now I had to go into Division because, well I don't know why, but I just wanted to go I guess.

**Michael's POV:**

I had been punching this bag for over an hour, I had guessed. 'What have I done to her' I wondered. The last time she acted like this, had been when she ran out of hope. 'Maybe I should try to kiss her again.' Yeah, like that worked out so well the first time. Shit, shit, shit! I don't know what to do. How do I make her love me again?

"Michael, can we talk?" Alex had just walked into the room without me noticing. Well that's weird.

"What is it?" I said, not even offering her a glance.

"Have you heard from Nikita?" Then I stopped punching, and turned around, about to brush her off, when I saw her face looking so broken.

"What's wrong?" I asked, still a little bitter.

"Nikita said she wished she had never saved me." She said, still looking sadder than ever.

"She didn't mean it."

"Yes she did! She said it with passion! She meant every word she said!" I don't even think Alex noticed herself crying but of course I did. I've never actually hugged her, so I was at loss for what to do.

"Alex."

"No. Don't. Whatever you did to her, you need to fix it! She's acting like a huge bitch! Everyone knows it and everyone knows it's somehow your fault. Fix it now before you lose her, forever!" She yelled, and ran away.

"Nikita? Are you in here?" I yelled, walking into her always so neat office.

"What is it that you want?"

"I wanna get back together." She chuckled, as if it were the dumbest thing I'd ever said.

"Absolutely… Not! Why would I wanna get back together with you? You're a devious, heartbreaking bastard!"

"I love you!" Then, just like that, it clicked.

"What did you say?"

"I said I love you! I love you, I love you, I love you!" I said a dozen times. I still don't quite understand why me loving her is such a big shocker, but I guess it was.

"You don't love me. You don't know what my favorite color is, why I like the rain, or even when my birthday is. You don't even know what my middle name is."

"Neither do you!" I yelled, accusingly. How am I supposed to know these things? She doesn't even know these things.

"Bastard!"

"Why the hell are you blaming me for everything?"

"Because everything is your fault? I was perfectly fine before I met you!" I tried to stop the words I was about to speak, but I couldn't and I wanted to see if my Nikita was still in there somewhere.

"Oh yeah, cus' being a drugged out whore in prison was really working for you." She slapped me so fast; I heard it before I felt it.

"Shut the hell up! You're just a widowed man who's too bitter to open his eyes on what he's missing." Did she really just bring my family into this? I was so engulfed in rage; my next actions were pure instinct.

I swung at her head, which she ducked, but when I fully punched her in the stomach, she doubled over. I knew it hurt her, which brought back my conscious. I was about to fully apologize for my rash actions, til' I saw her face. Even after I punched her as hard as I could in the stomach, she was smiling. Not a forced one either. She was genuinely evil.

"Big mistake." She said, and we started sparring. It was nothing like we used to do. There was no holding back. In all my years of knowing Nikita, she has never once fought anybody as hard as she was fighting me. 'Is she really this mad?'

I took a wrong move and tripped over my shoelace. I fell, but not before making sure she was pulled under me. She tried so hard to get from under me, but she wasn't going anywhere. We needed to resolve this once and for all.

"You're only going to hurt yourself." I said. She smiled up at me before doing the most un-ladylike thing. She actually spit in my face.

"Go to hell!" She said. I didn't even care what the repercussions would be; I just leaned down and kissed her. I was so angry with her; I just wanted to kiss her. In some way, her new attitude was sexy. Even though she was being a huge bitch, I think a woman that has this attitude is in some way sexy.

She suddenly bit on my lip really hard drawing blood. She looked up at me with furious eyes. Then she glanced down at my lips, and yanked my head down so we could kiss again. As we were kissing, she started furrowing her eyebrows. Every once in a while, she'd punch my chest. Not hard, but hard enough. I now understood why she was acting the way she was acting. Alex was right. It was because of me. She was probably trying to protect herself from heartbreak, which is why she's been hostile.

I quickly forgot about my new impending epiphany, when her tongue slid into my mouth. I felt one hand go to my back and claw at my back. The other one had yet to reveal its location til I felt it touching my member. I groaned, and she bit my lip harder than before, and sucked it. Oh god, she's amazing! I stopped my assault on her lips, and moved to her neck. I started sucking like an ant eater does. She was moaning, and I rubbed her torso. I could feel her pack, and boy did that make me aroused.

Her neck was starting to purple. Even though I would have stopped back when we were both normal, normal did not exist here. We were both angry at each other, and we wanted it hard. Not passionate, not loving. Just hard, animalistic sex.

We were gasping loud after what had transpired. We were happy. That is, until Nikita sat up and began to get dressed with the remainder of her clothes. I, in turn, followed her lead.

"This won't happen again." She said, in that voice I was hoping she wouldn't bring back. The one with husk, and nearly dead determination. My Nikita doesn't sound like that, so I just nodded, and finished buttoning up my torn shirt.

She was heading for the door, and I was panicking. Just trying to start up another conversation.

"Nikita..."

"We're still broken up. Just because I can't control myself around you, doesn't mean we're together."

"But."

"Get over it. Get over me." She said, a shed of her old voice peeking through.

"Do you really want me to do that?" I asked hoping she'd come out and say no, but to my dismay, it never happened.

"Yes." She said, and then walked out closing the door to her office, and our relationship.

**TO THE READERS:**

Okay, so I am having a HUGE crisis, and I don't know when I will update again, so please forgive me, and hope that I'll be okay, okay? Thank you.


	8. The Light

_Hey you guys! I just wanna thank EVERYONE who has either reviewed, or been there for me through these multiple crises' (one of which is still going on)... To The Little Things in Life, Miami Blackheart, and Nikitalover: I love you guys... Thank you so much for listening to me talk and talk about how I'm feeling and helping me through it all... But especially to The Little Things in Life: keep your head high, girl... I'm _

_here for you and I love you so much : )_

_Oh and may all of our prayers go out to the Boston marathon tragedy! :(_

_Anyways, here's the next chapter... Enjoy._

**_The Light_**

_This darkness has engulfed my whole body, at a point where all I see is darkness... But you became my light at the end of the tunnel. Now I see a new hope for the future._

She was REALLY gone... This time, I really did it. I made her feel so sad; so worthless that she turned her humanity off, as if she were a vampire or something. If she doesn't come back to me, what shall I do? Live on while my Nikita suffers in her own self-pity? Take a seat and watch her break like a movie? I can't do that. The real question is, what can I do?

I've become the man she detests... I've become the man she lashes out at. She looks at me like she looks at every other person... It's funny, she used to tell me I wasn't like every other person, but it sure as hell feels that way now. Without my love, without my drive, I have nothing. No wedding to look forward too, no long life to look forward to... What would be the point in living a long, healthy life if there's no one to share it with? I could save people's lives all day long, but with no happiness to come home to, it seems like a far-fetched reality.

I was in my room in Division. I had 2 paths that lay ahead of me. One said _go to her... Ask for forgiveness and take things slow. Make her feel like the princess you always treated her as, and shower her with your love_, but the other says, _just let her live her life without you... She deserves at least that much. You have wrecked her trust and stomped on her heart way too many times, and now you need to just stop playing these games and let her live her life without you. _I wonder if leaving her is even a possibility, as my legs swing back and forth, and my head sings a never-ending incantation of she loves me, she loves me not.

6:19 the clock read. Two days after I slept with Nikita. I wonder if she meant what she said about letting her go... Not that it really matters, because even if she dug into my brain and implanted that idea inside of it, I wouldn't give up. I would never give up on my love, my life, because without her, I'm like a broken stereo. I'm like a hoarse singer. You know exactly how to sing, but your voice just won't make any noise. I know exactly how to get her back, but it's her choice if she wants me back.

I find myself walking in the middle of some park, just wondering aimlessly around. I don't even catch people's stares because a broken man gets pity, but not direction. What's crazy about this whole situation is, I was so lost in thought, and I didn't even see the car coming my way... Who goes 83 miles near a park, I don't know... But as the car came in my direction, the celestial, sojourness light took me to a faraway place... Somewhere I could be happier, and hide away from my unanimous bodily depression. It went away the second I got pushed out of the way... I heard yells, I heard screams, I heard cries, but the only fully audible thing was her worried voice. She was yelling so damn loud I couldn't even hear a word she was sayin- I mean yelling.

"Michael!" I diverted my greens directly into her browns. The brown's somehow seemed hazel at the moment. As if she had become a new person. Stationed in my own little world, I didn't hear a word she was saying. I don't even think I was looking at her at that point. I was just happy she was here, to catch me when I fell. To hold my hand through everything. To be my only trusted... person. With my revere going away, I lifted my hand to touch her face, only to see a bitch of a wrist.

"The hell?" I said in complete confusion. I lifted up both hands, and to my relief, one was missing, not two.

"Michael! Michael!" I turned my head to the side, allowing her to see the red, gushing down my face… I would have been really scared if…

_Beep_

_Beep_

_Beep_

It was a dream? I knew it. No way Nikita would care about me these days. I sat myself up, willing to show my face to this greyish, gloomy world. At a moment's notice, I felt I didn't deserve to live on a usually beautiful world... I only make it a terrible place for everything I touch. Maybe Nikita's way of thinking is right after all… Maybe the only way to stop yourself from being engulfed with this never ending feeling of self-loathing, I need to just go ahead and turn my 'humanity' off… It wouldn't be that hard anyways because it's already halfway off, but the only scary thing about that is, you could easily lose yourself in the overwhelming, seductive evil... What if we never return to our normal selves? I mean any world with Nikita is a world worth living in, but what about Alex, and Birkhoff… And what about all these innocent people that Nikita stayed here to save? Does she even still believe in the cause?

I had been pacing back and forth for an hour thinking this over. I don't know which path to choose. One side says, _Go to the dark side. If you do, Nikita won't be able to resist you, and you two can live in your own happy little world, not giving a damn about anybody else, and living free... Living free. _But the other side says, _if you let this happen. There's no going back... And what about your son? Once we meet again you can't be the strict dad he'd wished he never had to be reunited with. You have to stay strong for your son... And most importantly, for Nikita._

That's when my adrenaline started running wild... I cannot live without her... Every single second counted... No pun intended.

I grabbed my jacket, and although coming to anybody's house during this hour would be crazy, knowing Nikita she was already up.

I fumbled with my keys, trying to get them into the ignition, and ran a few red lights, but I had finally made it.

I now stood in front of the house I used to call mine. The house that used to bring me so much joy. The house I used to enter yelling, "Honey, I'm home." Then explaining to Nikita what 'I Love Lucy' was. I miss the good old days when we would spend hours on hours making love. I miss the romantic dinners, and the bubble baths together, and I miss that look. That look she gave me when I whispered sweet nothings into her ear. Watching the sunset, cuddling. Making dinner, and giggling. Watching Nikita look so frustrated when she burnt something in the kitchen. Sometimes, I'd even catch her staring at me as I sleep, and she'd caress the left side of my face. I did the same for her in return… Lulling her to sleep after a nightmare, or just simply cuddling in bed. Holding her hand as we drive. Making her smile had to be the best though… She didn't smile enough. He eyes always showed a blazing fire, but rarely showed happiness. She's spent her life caring about others, it's taken her remaining happiness and replaced it with worry. That's why I always strived to make her smile. Her smile could light up the whole world. She could be the world's sun, like she's been for me ever since I first met her in that gruesome prison.

But it all ended that fait driven night when she had reluctantly cut off my hand... I had tried not to blame her, and in her eyes, I could see that she although knew this simple fact, still wanted to help me. I could also see the all so self-consuming guilt she felt. Even though I could never take away the guilt she felt, I would've been able to dumb it down quite a lot. I could have helped her. I _should _have helped her.

And now I stood, still, staring at the door unmoved. If anyone walked by, they'd assume I was a statue lined in front of the door.

So I built up my courage, lifted my hand, and gently knocked on the door.

**Flashback**

So I built up my courage, lifted my hand, and gently knocked on the door.

I stood there waiting for about 20 seconds, and yes, I did count. 19, 20… Then she opened the door looking genuinely taken aback.

"Michael? What are you doing here?" She had settled her weight onto her left leg, unnoticeably letting me know she wasn't too pleased with my unexpected visit.

"I needed to see you." I rushed past her to get in her apartment. I spun on my heel to see her standing still with her back to me.

"Well come on in… Why don't you kick off your shoes while you're at it?" She said, completely annoyed. She slammed the door, and finally turned to face me. What she didn't know was that I'd not come without a purpose. I came to tell her the truth.

"Nikita-" She cut me off, and I'm guessing it was to yell at me, but she somehow kept things very mellow, and civil.

"Michael... Why are you here?"

"Because..."

"No wait, I know," She smiled as if she were about to make some kind of joke. "You came so you could once again say that I would never have to be Josephine again? Or maybe it was to once again down size our feelings for each other."

"Will you please, just let me talk?" She raised her left eyebrows in a way that let me know she was saying 'the floors all yours.' So, I opened my mouth to say the 3 little words I know she'd been dying to hear.

"I love you." The look that crossed her face was absolutely priceless. She looked happy at first, but then she looked a tad bit sad. I paced myself, taking few steps until we were mere inches apart. Gazing into my eyes, she flinched as I encircled my arms around her waist. Hazel eyes started to water, so I placed my hand on her cheek, and my thumb caressed it slowly. The intimacy level did not go unnoticed, as we both came to an unspoken, yet unanimous decision. Our minds, now in sync both had the same idea. She moved her hands onto my shoulders, melting into my touch.

Both hazel and blue closed as our lips met in a soft, loving, inhumane, sensual kiss. It felt just like we were back in St. Petersburg. Just the perfect kiss. The right amount of force, the right amount of passion, and after 10 seconds, the right amount of tongue… I pulled away, needing to know that she wasn't just driven by her attraction, but when I saw her eyes, it all clicked. She didn't even look this in love with Daniel.

"I love you." I said.

"I love you too." She said back, with not even a hint of regret.

**Present:**

_Knock knock knock…_

After about a minute, I was about to turn and leave to make sure she was even home, but she busted the door open expeditiously as if she was in danger. She ran into me, and when she saw it was me, she flung her arms around my neck and started crying hysterically. Although I was caught off guard it didn't take even a second for me to be hugging her back... I shushed her, and rubbed the back of her head, and she was trying to stop her never ending tears. Her death grip became a desperate one, leading with me rocking her back and forth like a baby.

Her crying had stopped and after a few rude glares from people heading to work, I decided to take her inside. I picked her up bridal style, careful not to move her too much. Closing the door with my foot, I smoothly made my way to the couch, careful not to hit her head on anything.

As I was continuing to hold her, her last tears rushed down her angelic face, and I thought about how lucky I was to be here. 'If I didn't come, she would've had to deal with whatever this is, all alone.' Thank God I came today!

"Michael, it was horrible!" Gripping my neck tightly, she started shaking and crying again.

"It's okay sweetie… I'm right her." I said, trying my hardest to calm down and stop my own approaching tears. I need to be the stronger one here, so I pulled myself together. Kissing her forehead, and rubbing her back turned out to be a very good choice as she stopped crying and shaking. She relaxed into my embrace; therefore I gave her a bit of time before I questioned her about her saddened behaviors.

"Nikita, are you okay now?" I asked her pulling her head away from my chest so I could look her in the eyes. She looked back to normal, and even gave me an (even though forced), smile.

"Yes, thank you." She was about to remove herself from my lap, but she would have to do much more than lift herself up before I let her go again. "Michael?" She said glaring questioningly at me.

"What happened?" I asked a bit blunt. She sighed, and settled herself back into my lap.

"I had a terrible nightmare." She said, already forming up new tears in her eyes.

"Hey, if you don't wanna talk about it, we can wait, okay? I'm a patient man." I said, rubbing her cheek again, the same way I did earlier. A smile crept upon my lips at the thought of all the times I had shown just how impatient I was, especially when it came to her.

"No its okay… I want you to know." She again sat up, and wrapped her legs around my waist, and sat where our faces were just 3 inches apart… She was probably only doing it to make the moment more serious, but if only she knew how aroused she was making me. She dramatizingly opened her mouth, and began to speak.

**Nikita's Dream**

"NIKITA, YOU HAVE TO STOP THIS!" Michael yelled  
"LOOK AT ME, SENSEI!" Alex yelled.  
"Please, come back to me, Nik." Michael yelled.

Silence….

Then it all came back like a fire. Moving swiftly, and destroying everything in its path.

No.

Nooo.

GASP!

Heart beating rapidly...  
Cough, cough…  
It all felt like an irritating figment. Am I imagining this? Before the question could even be registered into my mind, the image before me did.  
Then my walls really did come crashing down. Like the foundation had just slipped right out from under me...  
"Oh God." There layed Sean's body. Head ripped off, blood rushing through the floors cracks. Tears began to form into my eyes.

Sonya's body, burned from acid. She was not yet dead but unconscious, none the less.

Ryan's body lay on Percy's desk. The metal bar from a recruit bed sticking straight out of his head. I put my hand over my mouth, willing myself not to scream at this unforesaken scene that stood before me.

Owen's body, hung from a single metal chain. His throat purple, and fingernails bleeding, showing a sign of struggle.

Birkhoff's body sat on his computer chair with his head bashed in with a nearby fire extinguisher.

Alex's body lay next to Katya's body. Both burned to death, as it would have been there future the night of Nikolai's assassination. I dropped to the floor, and was about to break down, when at the corner of my eye, my worst nightmare stood.

There was Michael's body, except he wasn't lying. He was in a car, frantically trying to open the door, but when he spotted me, it took my breathe away. He looked at me with such terror it blew me away. Had I seen that right? That glare was pointed towards me… Why on Earth was he afraid of me? I mean _that_ afraid of me?

I ran to the car, but my feet stopped about three feet away from it, and Michael backed himself against the opposite side, trying to open the door, farthest from me. My mouth had been closed by some powerful force, and my body wasn't in my control anymore… Michael looked back at me, and his eyes were directed at something in my hand. He turned back around and started trying to open the door even more frantically! I looked down, now in control of my head, and saw that a grenade was in it. The worst part was, in my other hand was the grenades pull ring was in my other hand, unattached to the grenade! That's when I knew…

"No… No. Please don't do this! Whatever you are taking hold of my body STOP THIS NOW!" This thing, this other me was about to kill Michael the same fateful way he'd have died if he'd taken that bomb with him... March 21st. The day Michael's family was killed. He had survived several years after just to have me, his fiancée kill him.

My hand uncontrollably lifted up... It was all gonna end soon… I, Nikita, the legend, the one who saves lives was about to kill the only man I've ever loved. No this was not Nikita the righteous; this was Nikita, the bad side. And now, because I decided to change my life like a childish high school girl, Michael, my love, was about to pay the price.

"Michael!" I shouted in a voice that let him know it was me. He fumbled over to the other side of the car, the side facing me, and gave me an 'it's okay' look.

"I love you." He said, making my heart sting with hurt.

"I love you too." I said, as my hand drew back, and threw it right into the window… Whatever was in me, let go, and left as soon as the grenade broke through the window.

I hit the ground quite painfully, but at that moment I couldn't care less. I hopped up, about to run to the car, but like Michael described his experience, I wasn't close enough, and the explosion blew me across the room.

As I hit the ground, my arising pain came crashing in on me. Not the deafening of my ears, but the emotional pain. My love, my Michael, was now gone because of me. I jumped up, and ran to the blazing hot car, and stared at the flames that took him away from me. Then it became too much and I let it all out in a simple…

"NOOO!" I hit the ground crying hysterically. Michael… He's, he's gone. And I spiraled back into reality with a hard bang.

**Reality:**

"Then I fell out of my bed, and heard what brought me out of my dream, your knocking." We were both currently in tears and not trying to hide them… I could not believe she had to endure such an awful nightmare. I still had to force myself to be the stronger one, so I pulled her against my chest so she and I could get some needed comfort.

"I am so sorry I wasn't here." I was rubbing her back, soothingly. I wasn't trying to send her to sleep though. Willing her to go back to sleep would be like trying to place a fire on gasoline and_ not _get a bigger flame.

"It's okay… As long as you're here now." She said, in between her fallen tears. "But that's not the problem, Michael." She pushed my chest away, sitting up, gazing into my eyes. "The problem is I have something in me… It's too evil, and it could hurt everyone I love, and most importantly, it could hurt you… You have to stay away from me." She said, and before I could even begin to comprehend what she said, she was trying to get away from me. But I was brought back just in time to catch her wrist.

"Nikita."

"I don't wanna hurt you, Michael… I've done it before and that wasn't even the worst I can do… I'm far too capable of hurting you." She whispered tearfully, not even thinking of glancing in my direction.

"But that's just it, Nikita… Even if you were to occasionally hurt me, you make me happy every single moment. You constantly make me happy so if a little pain comes with it," I stood up, and enclosed her in yet another embrace. "Then I'm willing to feel the pain… I'll do it all, just to be with you." She busted into tears again, lowering her head.

She whispered, "Why? Why would you do this all for me?"

"Because," placing both palms at both sides of her face, I brought it up to mine, and kissed her with everything I had. Love, affection, passion, caring, worry, mind blowing overprotectiveness, and some tongue. "Because, I love you. I will forever love you."

Then she started crying harder. "You're only gonna get yourself hurt by staying with me."

"Did you hear a word I just said? The pain is worth it… YOU are worth it!"

"I love you too." She said, and cracked me that gorgeous smile I'd been waiting to see, and like the sun, she was the light at the end of this tunnel, and she will forever glow up my world.

* * *

Okay, so this will probably be the second to last chapter… I need to end this all, so I'm gonna post my last chapter ASAP, but my EOC's and Finals are coming up, SOO just bear with me… And to all of my reviewers, you guys are truly amazing! Making my day and making me smile! Also to my friend NikitaLover... Go check out her story. She's an aspiring writer, and I think you'll enjoy her stuff...

Anyways, **REVIEW!**

**-**_Iris Elena_


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